I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm like, not good at living.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
