Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
