What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
