Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
