peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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