im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
