this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
