What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
