you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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