i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
