How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
