The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
