I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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