Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
There's even glitter on my cock...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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