I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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