i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize