I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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