I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
