I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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