the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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