FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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