The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
