dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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