My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
