It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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