Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
