there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
