The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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