i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize