So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
