I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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