I think I died a long time ago.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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