There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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