he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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