umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
