So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
