I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
