1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize