some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just invented taco cereal.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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