Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
