im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize