He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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