If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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