sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
