Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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