WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
