4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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