Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
