Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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