i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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