On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
