i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
