Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize