How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
