I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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