I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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