Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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