I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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