Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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