i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
