I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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