Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
