We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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